How To Orgasm With A Partner (Because Sex Can Be Complicated)

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This was originally posted on Bustle, and I liked most of the info included. As usual, I added my own spin on some things, and included links to products I think you’ll like.


 

For a lot of women, the question of whether they’ll be able to have an orgasm during sex is fraught with anxiety. We’re taught from a young age — both on TV and movies, as well as and in porn — that our pleasure will come from a male partner who will put his magic penis inside of us, and we’ll be able to come without any foreplay or clitoral stimulation at all.

Talk about total crap, am I right?

But why would anyone think differently about our orgasms? We don’t talk about self-pleasure with our friends, and we really don’t get any guidance around getting off from adults either. Is it any wonder that only a third of women regularly experience an orgasm during intercourse, and that as many as 10 percent might not even orgasm at all?

However, more and more women are discovering how to orgasm on their own. Our culture is shifting in a positive direction, so that adult women, at least, are feeling empowered to take their orgasms into their own hands. We’ve got sex-positive, female-run sex shops like ours. A million different types of toys exist to help us get there, many of which are designed by and for women (like the Rave by We-Vibe or a simple bullet-style vibe like Vooom!). And we have sites that are yelling to the mountaintops about sex-positivity and pleasure. We still have a long way to go, but it’s hard to deny that we’re entering a golden age of female pleasure.

But how do you translate that solo orgasm into a partnered orgasm? This is the spot where a lot of women get stuck. Suddenly there’s another person involved in the process, and things get a whole lot more complicated than when it was just you and your vibe at home. Maybe you’re shy about speaking up for yourself or you’re not sure if they’ll be down to do what you need done. Whatever the reason, here are nine tips to help you make sure you come, too.

 

  1. Don’t Be Scared To Fantasize

When you’re enjoying self-pleasure, you’re probably watching or reading something that turns you on, or at least thinking about something sexy. There’s no reason you can’t do that with a partner as well. The key to this one is to try different stimuli during your alone time. You’ll stumble onto something that consistently works and that’s the fantasy you should turn to when you’re having trouble getting into it or you just can’t come.

  1. Be Willing To Focus On Your Own Pleasure

Women are conditioned to be more concerned about the needs of others — especially men — than our own needs. (Thanks, patriarchy!)

But a lot of us need some very specific touch, thoughts, words, or whatever, to get off. Dan Savage is fond of saying that if a man needed a canoe and a nun in the room in order to have an orgasm, you can bet they would be there even during a one-night stand. Figure out what your nun and canoe are, and insist on them! If you need direct clitoral stimulation (as most of do), then ask your partner to stimulate it or stimulate it yourself!

Your pleasure is as important as the pleasure of the person you’re with and you’re the only one who is in charge of it. Do you, boo.

  1. Have Your Partner Watch

If your partner just isn’t hitting the right spots, have them watch while you get yourself off. They can masturbate too while you’re doing it, because, well, who wouldn’t find that hot? They’ll learn exactly what kind of touch works for you and what doesn’t because they’ll actually see it.

  1. Self-Stimulate

On a similar note, don’t be scared to self-stimulate during partnered sex. As I mentioned above, most women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to get off — penis in the vagina alone (for those of you doing it with dudes) just doesn’t cut it for most of us. Reach down there and give yourself a little boost!

  1. Do It Sober

Having drunk sex can dull your nerves and your connection with your body. If you find you’re always banging under the influence, consider switching it up and going at it sober sometime. This is a double-edged sword, of course, because one of the reasons we drink is to get rid of inhibitions, and fewer inhibitions often translates to being more willing to have sex. However, if your goal is orgasming, and drunk sex is not ending in orgasm, then sobering up could seriously be your solution.

  1. Do It Tipsy

On the other hand, if you’re having trouble letting go of your inhibitions, and that’s keeping you from orgasm, have a couple glasses of wine! Don’t get blotto drunk (because: see above), but a drink or two will get your blood flowing, and might help lower your inhibitions to the point where you’re able to let go enough to get there.

  1. Do What Works

A lot of women have one position that works for them. Don’t be scared to do it, even if it means you always end in that position! If it works, it works, and your partner should be down with a little repetition if it means you end with big O.

  1. Turn Off The Lights

Some women are self-conscious about their bodies, and find that their worries about how they look are keeping them from being in the moment. (Thanks again, patriarchy!)

A great solution for this problem in the short term is to turn off the lights! It also heightens your other senses, so even if you’re totally cool with how your naked body looks, it can be great way to up sensation.

In the long term, though, it’s time to get body-positive.

  1. Let Go

Sometimes it takes a mantra in your head: Let go, let go, let go. Give yourself permission, and you’ll get there.


Ready to play?

Did you find yourself fantasizing or flexing your pelvic orgasm muscle as you learned about the ideas mentioned above? No time like the present!

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Vibrators Treat Common Menopause Symptoms? It’s true!

11133994_10203643985772811_8760787330418850984_nOriginally published on Huffington Post a few years ago, but I love all the great info and though it was worth a share!

Hot flashes, night sweats, shifts in moods… women suffering from menopause are well aware of the symptoms. But one of the more embarrassing symptoms is vaginal dryness.

“Just like when women first get their periods, menopause is a big life change,” said Dr. Mary Jane Minkin, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Yale University School of Medicine. “The lack of estrogen in the body decreases blood flow to the pelvic region. As a result, this can cause vaginal dryness and vaginal atrophy, or a weakening of the muscle tone in the pelvic area that can lead to sexual dysfunction and painful sex.”

Vaginal dryness is a common complaint for women during and after menopause. To treat the irritating and embarrassing problem, doctors usually prescribe topical estrogen creams and gels that can be applied to the vagina for lubrication. But Dr. Minkin has a different, non-hormonal and slightly unconventional solution: vibrators.

Here, Dr. Minkin explains the benefits of using a vibrator to treat vaginal dryness.

How can a vibrator help with this common menopause symptom?

Vibrators improve reproductive and pelvic health help by stimulating pelvic blood flow, which increases vaginal moisture and boosts sexual response, all of which making sex (with or with a partner) more enjoyable. Like any muscle, the vagina is best kept healthy with regular exercise — it’s the “use it, or lose it” mentality. Deterioration is particularly common as more middle-age or older women find themselves in situations where they aren’t sexually active (single, divorced, widowed or aren’t having regular sex with partners).

Therapeutically, frequent vibrator use can prevent and ward off conditions such as painful vaginal dryness and atrophy. Within a month, women should notice a difference (even past menopause).

Can you walk us through how you diagnose your patients?

I always talk to my patients about her sex life — with or without a partner — during exams. Let’s say I have a post-menopausal patient who is experiencing a lot of vaginal dryness and is not sexually active. I’ll recommend she try the We-Vibe (pictured above) along with lubricant or with estrogen, if she’s comfortable. During the follow up visit, I’ve noticed patients will frequently tell me they don’t need the estrogen as much because increased activity via [a vibrator] provides more moisture. While vibrators can be used with or without estrogen, we work to find the best combination to keep women healthy and happy.

How have women you’ve treated responded to this treatment?

It’s been a very positive response so far. At least half of women I speak with are comfortable using vibrators. Of course I always work within a patient’s comfort zone, but my main goal as their doctor is to provide a variety of treatment options. The reality is, vibrators are a great, no-side effect solution to an issue that millions of women suffer from. My goal is to educate women that vibrators aren’t something to be embarrassed about — not only are they fun, but they also help women stay comfortable and happy during this sometimes uncomfortable stage in life.

How often do you recommend women use a vibrator for treatment?

I recommend my patients use a vibrator three to four times a week, but as Mae West said, “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful!” Also, I suggest patients use lubricants along with the vibrator since the body-safe product is made of medical-grade silicone.

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